Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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