I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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