forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
