i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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