I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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