well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
