can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
