I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
