got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
