I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
