just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
