It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
