I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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