I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize