I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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