Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
