life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
