are you still at the devil's house?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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