gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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