So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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