He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is this like a preordered booty call?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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