I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
