I just pynch a tree in the face
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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