Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
