I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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