apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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