After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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