Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
