Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
