nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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