Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
