god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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