It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just found a bag of teeth...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
