U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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