A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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