What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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