seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
