I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
