Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
