i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize