I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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