She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
