I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
