i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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