I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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