I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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