She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize