Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
