is your mom at the bar?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize