On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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