pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize