As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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